A touching moment

I recently had the pleasure of observing true customer service in action.  I was at the spa getting my hair done and an elderly lady, with a beautiful head of white hair, was in a cozy gown, waiting for a massage.  I’ll call her “Daisy”  because she reminded me of Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy.

Because she was a little early and waiting for her appointment, Diana at the front desk decided to spend the time chatting and getting to know her better.  Now she could have done this from her desk, but no, she chose to come over, and bent down so she was at eye-level with her, and proceeded to chat.

I couldn’t help but hear the conversation and it was touching.  They were talking about love and how you have to grab it, no matter what your age,  if you are fortunate enough to meet the right person. It turns out that Daisy had got married for the first time at 67 and she was congratulating Diana on her recent marriage at 54.

You could tell that the conversation meant a lot to both of them, and before Daisy left for her appointment, she stroked Diana’s face in a gentle and loving way.  After she had gone, I asked how old she was --- 92, and she’d only just moved into a senior’s residence.

That small, touching moment made my day and I am positive it did for both Daisy and Diana.  In the hustle and bustle of living our hectic lives, it was a lovely interlude; emphasizing the need to reach out, and just spend a few moments sharing our innermost thoughts – with friends or complete strangers.

What's holding you back?

 At our breakfast meetings, one participant gets to share a challenge she is currently facing, and then we brainstorm solutions. So it was interesting this week that at both the Toronto and Oakville breakfasts the challenges raised were the same -  procrastination.

It was one that we could all identify with, as many of us have been guilty of putting off something that is important but we don’t want to do.

I remember years ago when I had a business coach I was always very diligent about getting my “homework” done, except for this one assignment.  Ironically it was around social media and after a few weeks of nothing being done, my coach challenged me on why this was.

Bottom line it wasn’t something that interested me at the time and being busy, I just relegated it to the bottom of my “to-do” list. I also didn’t really know how to begin and questioned the value of embarking on such a strategy.

Likewise, the women at our breakfasts were doing the same.  As we probed further, it became clear that like me, this wasn’t an aspect of their business that turned their crank, but they also knew it had to happen.

In my instance, we recognized that I didn’t have to be the one to implement a social media campaign, I could contract it out or draw on the expertise of others to make it happen. But sometimes when you are starting out, that is just not an option, the budget just isn’t there.  So what can you do?

The women in the group came up with lots of ideas, and here are just some of their suggestions:

1.              Book time in your calendar to get the work done.

2.              If you are feeling overwhelmed, break down the work involved into small, more manageable tasks

3.              Eat your frog – make it something you tackle first – so you start to make a dent in the work to be done.

4.              Ask yourself why you are avoiding the task, and if it has indeed, got to be done.

5.              If it is not in your skill set, maybe barter with someone else to get the work done.

6.              In the case of producing a monthly newsletter, collect information all month so that when it is time to pull it together, you have the different components already at hand.

In my case, we set up a committee to come up with recommendations on social media, and later I got a grant to hire someone to implement it.  Today, social media is something I have not only embraced but am an active player, which just goes to show that once you get over your fear of the unknown, and welcome the chance to learn new skills, you can change your mind.  You just have to be open to the opportunity.

My moment under the bright lights

As I read about Arlene Dickinson’s first audition for Dragon’s Den in her book Persuasion, I am reminded that I too, had a similar opportunity for fame and fortune on television, but the outcome was quite different.

I’d been gaining a name as a parenting expert – my kids can chuckle at that one – and was asked if I would like to host a parenting TV show that was to be aired in the afternoon. I got invited for an interview which I naively thought would just be your standard question-answer type meeting.  Little did I know that this would be an actual audition.

For a start the “interview” was right across Toronto and a fair drive for me, which for those of you who know my fear of driving in the city, was a big deal.  So I didn’t exactly arrive all relaxed and raring to go, more frazzled and exhausted by the energy it took to just get there.

Immediately I was ushered into a studio where I was presented with a script that I was expected to learn and spew out when my turn came.  As I looked around, it was like Barbie goes for an audition.  I was surrounded by these young things, actresses, all ready to strut their stuff and for whom the line-learning was a breeze.  Even back then my short-term memory was a challenge.

Anyway, getting more nervous by the minute, it was soon my turn, and that was when the fun began.  I can’t remember the actual case scenario that we were to talk about in the taping but the script was lame, to say the least, and not at all what a mom would do or say. 

So being the “expert” I was supposed to be, I felt compelled to tell them that.  In the end they let me be taped with my own script of how I thought it should be.

Did I get the “role”?  No. 

Did I get asked to rewrite the script? No. 

By this point, I was past caring, after all I had the drive home to worry about.  I had already decided that I was not destined for a life under the bright lights, and with menopause just around the corner, maybe that was just as well. I would have been too hot to handle.

Stretching ourselves

I am starting off 2013 with a couple of bold steps outside of my comfort zone and am encouraging you to do the same. As Frederick Wilcox said “Progress always involves risks.  You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.”

First over the holidays I signed up for an online writing course.   I know… I have been blogging for years but we can all learn and deepen our skills and that was what I was keen to do. Plus I’ve never taken a formal writing course.

Now I am still on module one and writing furiously every day to submit my assignments, but it is not so much the writing that is a stretch, but the willingness to sit back and let others critique what I’ve written - now that is the brave part for me.  I am feeling quite naked as I bare my soul and write about personal stuff. 

It’s funny though as the others submit their work, I find myself more wrapped up in their problems and trying to solve them, rather than actually reviewing their writing style.   I’ve also come to recognize that I have a ways to go in revealing all, as some of the emotions expressed by the others are so raw and the situations so serious.  It makes me pretty grateful for all that I have.

My second foray into the brave unknown is that I have joined a mastermind group. Now I have been in one before and can thoroughly recommend the process as one that makes you become more accountable and helps you move forward.  And I’ve also recommended that people check their egos at the door and maybe that is more where I am struggling.

Thing is, I basically know what I need to do, I just don’t have a forte or interest in doing it, so I am bound to get my knuckles wrapped.  It’s like I am setting myself up for the lecture, but then, maybe I need to hear it.

I know we will be talking about our challenges and I have difficulty “doing vulnerable” but I also know that in order to grow, professionally and personally, I have to be prepared to listen to some hard truths.

So what can you do to go beyond your comfort zone?  Perhaps join our mastermind or newbie groups, take a course, learn a new skill or volunteer. When you stretch yourself, it’s like flexing a new muscle when you work out, gradually it feels quite normal and the pain is gone, and you are ready to try something more difficult.   Maybe.

All I know is that my brain is on overdrive as I try to grapple with all this new learning but it feels good. Try it and see for yourself.

Moving forward in 2013

 The start of a new year is an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start afresh, but as I reflect on 2012, I can see that I need to re-evaluate my attitude, expectations and measures of success.

Last year I started the year in a funk, not feeling well, and fed up with myself, with being sick and frankly with running my business.  Being in martyr mode, I felt people did not appreciate my efforts and I was burning out. Fast.

Fortunately I gave myself a shake, and got my mojo back. Now, it is a different picture.  I am well, feeling positive and the outlook is too.  Your attitude truly does determine your altitude.

But too often I have let other people’s attitudes and behaviour negatively impact and disappoint me. Sometimes people act and react in a way that seems dismissive, rejecting, or unethical but I am learning that while I may take it personally, so often it is nothing to do with me at all. As one wise person said  “Just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true.” 

What was true for me was the demise of my magazine, Company, which I’d been struggling to make financially viable. With the changes in the economy, the number of advertisers were dwindling.  Yet, I carried on in blind faith, hoping that a financial miracle would turn it around.  Eventually sanity prevailed and I pulled the plug, and while it felt like failure at the time, I have come to appreciate that publishing a professional magazine for four years is a success.

So often we undervalue or don’t celebrate our successes, so in September when Company of Women turned ten, we held a birthday party, showing a video that captured the highlights of the past nine years. It made me realize how far we have come and that we need to celebrate each success, no matter how small.

Part of it is to avoid the numbers game.  As someone who puts on events, it can be all too easy to get caught up in measuring success by the number of people who attend, yet if what you are offering makes a difference for just one person, it is worthwhile.

And so as I move forward in 2013 I want to redefine what success means to me. It is more that we have a positive impact, helping women realize their potential and we make a difference.

Girl Time

It started with one of those emails, you know the one where you have to forward it to eight close girlfriends.

I sat in front of the computer and struggled to come up with eight names.  How sad is that? And how different from a few years ago, when my challenge would have been how to narrow it down.

So what has happened since then to impact my friendships with other women? Much of it is really part of the normal progression of life – some have moved, others are retired and we no longer share the same interests; sadly a few have died and then there’s a couple where we just fell out, and we’ve never tried to repair the damage.

Sad really. It also speaks to a busy life where much of my focus has been on running my business, being there for my family and keeping my home relatively organized.

But this whole process of naming friends has made me realize that setting aside time for girlfriends is all important and in 2013 that is just what I intend to do.  And it is not just the existing friendships, but making an effort to reach out and make new ones too.

Tis the season to be jolly, but not for everyone

As I busy myself getting ready for Christmas, my heart isn’t altogether in it this year.  Several friends have lost a loved one in the past two weeks and then there is the situation in Newtown where so many young, precious children and their teachers were struck down and violently murdered before their lives had hardly begun.

Christmas is so synonymous with family and friends, and for those whose loved one won’t be there it serves as a cruel reminder of their loss, of the glaring hole in their family.  It has been glibly recommended that the family start new traditions, and yes, maybe in the years ahead they might, but it seems to me that following their usual patterns for the season may actually be comforting in a world where everything has changed for them.

While I may be gathering around the fire to celebrate with my husband, children and their partners, I am only too well aware that others are not so blessed. 

My thoughts are with you.

Change is vital

 Like many citizens of the world, I have been horrified at what happened last Friday at that small school in Newtown.

As a parent with two adult children I can’t even begin to imagine how the parents of the victims – both children and teachers - must be feeling.  That it all happened just before Christmas just deepens the tragedy.  How do you get over something like this?

The answer I fear is that you don’t.  As I looked at the photos of the children – they seemed so alive, active and happy.  One little guy looked like a bundle of fun and pure mischief.  How can his parents ever fill that void in their hearts where they held him so close? I grieve for the families involved and hope that with time their pain will lessen.

Perhaps because I grew up in the UK where our police officers don’t carry guns, I have to question why the rules in North America are so lax.  Anyone can get a gun, and they do.  All these shootings of late just prove that there have to be stricter rules about gun ownership.

When someone suggested that if the principal had had a gun, the outcome could have been different – I’d say yes, a lot worse.  Imagine a young child “playing” with that same gun and shooting a friend by mistake.  No.  I don’t believe having more access to guns so you can “protect yourself” is the answer.

You have to hope that both Democrats and Republicans in the States can put their differences aside, and for once, take action for the common good.  They need to come together to do something about gun control and about the mental health system. And it has to be both; doing one without the other won’t work.

There are too many people out in the community with serious mental health issues that are just like a time bomb waiting to explode.  We need affordable programs and services to identify and treat them.  And I am not sure prescribing strong anti-depressant drugs is the answer either.  Too often patients take themselves off the drugs cold turkey and the outcome can be tragic.

As parents we also have a role to play in terms of what our children watch, read and play.  Too many movies, TV shows and video games are focused on violent activities.  We have a responsibility to censor these activities; otherwise children become insensitive to the violence around them.

I remember years ago touring a social housing complex in Chicago, where the psychologist explained to us that every day someone was murdered in the complex and as a result, when children heard a gun shot, they didn’t run away but carried on with what they were doing.  It was a regular occurrence and they were desensitized to it all.

We must not get like that, where we take for granted that shootings will happen.  We need to take action now while the memory of December 14 is still with us.  Only then will there be a positive outcome from this tragedy.

My word is my honour

What do you do when someone asks for a reference or a referral and you are not totally comfortable providing one?

I get asked a lot for references from speakers, suppliers and people I don’t really know and with this new endorsement program on LinkedIn, you start to feel obliged to reciprocate when people have endorsed you.

But I have actually decided with the endorsements that I am just not going to go there … for anyone.  No, the tougher ones are those who have done a so-so job or the dilemma I face right now, where the person actually owes you money and you question their ethics.

Without sounding vain, well maybe a tad, my recommendation can carry some weight and so I am reluctant to sully my own reputation by ringing the praises of someone I have reservations about or who I feel I will be condoning their bad behaviour.

I know when I worked in Human Resources and we were taking up references, it was often what was not said that was a clue to the true character of the individual being researched.

So I am keeping quiet.

Three words to live by

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In 2012, instead of making New Year resolutions that I never keep, I decided to pick three words to live my life by.  What were they?   Health, acceptance and authenticity and as I reflect back on the year, I can honestly say it worked.

My choices were very much influenced by a couple of factors.  First I had started the year with some virus that lasted months and so the focus on health and getting better made sense. Frankly I had run myself ragged and needed to listen to my body.

Second, I chose acceptance because I knew, in going back to being a solopreneur, with no staff in the office, I was going to have to streamline or let go of some processes and lower my expectations of what I could achieve on my own. I have been on a steep learning curve on all things technical but have actually been impressed with what I have been able to juggle and do.

As for authenticity, much of that was influenced by my determination to be real, to be true to myself and to say “no” when I needed to.   

So given the success of this year’s three words in shaping my direction, I have decided to give it another try for 2013 and it’s interesting because I am not picking the same three words. 

No, my picks are, once again, indicative of how I am feeling and the stage I am at both professionally and personally.  So this year I am going with energy, creativity and connectivity.

Why?  After a shaky start to the year, I’ve found this fall that I’ve got my mojo back and have renewed enthusiasm and energy for what I am doing, which leads me next to creativity. I love finding new ways to bring people together, and want to facilitate more creative connections in 2013.  On a personal note, I also want to make more time for my writing and who knows, maybe I will start working on my next book.

As for connectivity, I have come to realize that I know a lot of people, but like any relationships, you have to stay in touch, stay connected. So in 2013 I want to build on those relationships, look at ways we can work together and continue to link like-minded women. 

So there you have it.  Of course, you know what I am going to ask - what three words would you choose?  Let me know.

Santa came to town

As women arrived armed with gifts for a member of the Herbert family, I was touched by their generosity and the care with which they had picked presents, not just for the children but mom too. 

A couple of us shared that we hadn’t gone shopping for children in a long time, and I know I for one was somewhat horrified at the price of toys! I also learned that you can buy toys at Chapters, who knew.  Mind you by the time I had reached there, I had made my main purchases so I would have been annoyed if their prices were lower – whew, they weren’t.

My girls were chuckling because one of the items Savannah wanted was a Barbi type doll, which I got, albeit reluctantly.  You see when my daughters were growing up, I was at the height of my feminism, so I would never buy Barbies for them.   

My father was a toy buyer when I was young, so Christmas was always amazing as I got the latest and the best.  Yet it was the board games that I enjoyed the most, perhaps because it meant that my parents had to play with me. And in my recent search for gifts for the children I was pleased to see that Scoop, Clue and Sorry are still around.  What did you like best in your childhood?

There are so many choices now, how do children pick what they want from Santa?  And how do families afford it, especially if there is more than one child?

Sticking to the Santa request can be tricky too, especially when the child keeps changing her mind, and you’ve already made the purchase based on a previous choice.  That’s when I used to say that “Santa shops early because he has so many children to get toys for.”

Then one year, in our wisdom as parents, we decided to ignore one of the requests, believing our daughter was getting too old for dolls, and we bought something else.  That gift stayed in the box and was never used, and there were lots of tears, especially when her younger sister got a doll.  Not one of our finer moments. 

But it is a fine line and hard when children want something that is a “flash in the pan” or just not appropriate or worth the money.

Then there’s the Herbert family, and what do they really, really want for Christmas?  To have Savannah and their mom home.  Now that’s when you get a real perspective on what is important for the season.  Let’s hope their wish comes true.