The circle of friendship

When did you last meet up with old classmates?  Do you even stay connected?  In our hectic lifestyle it can be all too easy to lose touch.

But I have to tell you, I am so glad I have made that effort to keep in touch with long-time friends, because when you do get together, it’s like switching back the clock.

This was our summer of reunions – not just family ones - but with “old” friends.  I say “old” because we’ve known them for 60 + years.   

Frankly it was wonderful and left me with a warm glow – because these are people who really know you the best and the longest.  In fact truth be, they also have the dirt on you and all the antics you pulled off when you were a teenager or young adult. Our kids would likely be shocked.

What amazed me is how we just picked up where we left off. Soon we were reminiscing about past fun times together, catching up on the latest escapades of our adult children and sharing some great moments of laughter.  

Why does that happen?  I think part of it is our shared history, roots and values. We grew up in similar surroundings.  We enjoy and have the same dry British sense of humour and while we have pursued different careers and have different interests, that common thread keeps us tied together. And while we may now be Canadian, I suspect we often look at life through British eyes. 

However, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes you have just grown apart. Sometimes the differences are too wide to bridge the gap, and sometimes people have changed.  You no longer share  their values or take on life, and that’s too bad.  But that can be true of any friendship, old or new.

The key is to surround yourself with friends who get you.  Warts and all. Friends who are there in good times and bad.  As you get older and lose your parents and older family members, it is these friends who become your family.  Your chosen family.  Choose them well. 

A few weeks ago we decided on the spur of the moment to phone some good friends in Vancouver. Not because we were coming out and wanted to stay with them, but just to check in and say "hi." It was lovely to reconnect with them.  We need to do that more often. 

This Thanksgiving, reach out and stay in touch. Phone or email someone today. I ‘d love that warm feeling to spread.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree….

Growing up in Scotland, we always had an artificial tree – a white one at that – which would stand majestically, decorated with tinsel and fuchsia coloured baubles.  We moved a lot back then, and the tree came with us, like an anchor, helping us stay afloat when everything else around us had changed.

I am not sure what happened to that tree.  I suspect it got ditched when my parents retired, and chose to spend their Christmas with us in Canada.  But we’ve had our own escapades with trees – more of the natural kind.

It was quite the family tradition, that my husband and the girls would go off every year to pick the tree.  He was quite fussy which tried the patience of the youngsters who were anxious to get home and get on with their own stuff.  Decorating the tree was a family affair, with handmade decorations that I’d made with the girls; baubles purchased with special memories that we would hang each year.

At one point when the girls were grown and left home, we gave in and purchased an artificial tree which was a beast to erect each year, and caused numerous cuts and bruises as we wrestled with it. But when we bought the farm, it was toast.  You could hardly live in the country, and bring out an artificial tree.  It seemed an oxymoron.

No, that first year we got all romantic about it all and decided we would cut down our own tree.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but what we hadn’t thought through was just how we were going to get it back to the farmhouse.  We’d had a heavy snow that winter, so moving it was no simple task, plus it was uphill and a fair distance away.

My daughter has photos of us, red-faced and out of breath as we lugged the tree back on a tarpaulin, muttering under our breath – never again.  It certainly was a workout, but once standing tall in our living room, it made the season special.

Then there was the year that my husband, in his infinite wisdom, wanted a large, tall tree which we could accommodate in our new extension.  But decorating this brute of a tree was an all-day affair, and when it was time to take it all down, we had to chop it up, in order to get it out of the house.

Lately, we’ve become less picky about the tree.  Winters past it’s been very cold and instead of hanging around outside contemplating the merits of each tree, I’ve been advocating for the one closest to the car, so we can get it, load it up and get back into the warmth.   Doesn’t always work, but I’ve noticed as we age, that there’s less debate about the tree.

Now this year, the fun begins as we have a young puppy (six months old) who is a climber, still likes to chew and is mischief on four legs.  We are still debating how we will manage our friend, so we protect the tree, our treasured ornaments and the parcels under the tree.   It may end up standing there naked, but likely not.  We will come up with something, baby gates and the like.

When you look back on your Christmas trees, what stories come to mind for you?  Our Christmas tree has been very much part of our tradition and for me, as I look at the ornaments, I am taken back to when the children were little, and in real awe of what Santa would bring.  It’s a family time and no matter what type of tree you have, big or small, it is the people gathered around it that are important, as well as memories of those who are no longer with us.

Enjoy your tree. Enjoy the season. Create your own memories for years to come.

Gratitude

I love this time of year.  The skies today are blue, not a cloud to be seen.  The air is crisp, but not cold and the colours of the trees magnificent.  How lucky we are.

How appropriate that this weekend we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I decided to come up with just three things I am grateful for and it was hard, as I have a lot – both big and small – that have blessed my life.

1.              Family and friends

I am so fortunate to have wonderful people in my life – my husband, my daughters and their partners… and yes, even the dog, Brodie who I love and curse at the same time.  Friendships are important to me and I try to keep connected to people who matter to me – both new and old friends. When the chips are down, these are the folks who rally round to support me.

2.              My health

I’ve had my share of health hiccups, so it is good to be feeling well and doing well.  Without our health, our quality of life is seriously impacted and often we take it for granted, until something goes wrong.

3.              Living in Canada

Had we stayed in England I am not so sure we would have enjoyed the lifestyle we have now.  Canada has been good for our entrepreneurial spirit and we are fortunate to live in country that offers freedom.  Freedom to choose your own destiny. Freedom to be who we are meant to be.

So what three things are you grateful for?  Let me know.

The Takeover

I was super-organized for this Christmas. By the time the office closed on December 20, the gifts had been bought and wrapped; the food purchased and stocked in the fridge and freezer and the tree stood erect and decorated all ready for the best of the season.

Just as well. Talk about the best laid plans…. From the time we closed the office, I was sick, coming down with some dreaded flu bug, and forced to retreat to my bed where I could be heard barking and coughing all day.

Now I am not someone who usually capitulates to a sniffle or two. Being of strong Scottish blood, I have been trained to carry on regardless but I tell you, I was beat with this one. Not only did I miss several local parties, but my kids had to rally round and cook Christmas dinner.

And I have to say, I was totally impressed with how they took charge. They assigned the tasks, divided up the chores and wouldn’t let me darken the doors of the kitchen. And while I was proud of them, you could tell they were pretty pleased with themselves too because the meal was great and Christmas was saved.

It was also pretty nice to just sit and have the meal prepared and cleared away by someone else. I could get used to this but they’ve already told me it was a one-off. Normal service is to resume next year.

Too bad.

Why?

Christmas is a hard time for many people, especially for those who have just lost a family member or friend. 

To commit suicide always seems such a desperate and selfish act to me, as family members are left to pick up the pieces, always questioning what they could have done to avert this tragic action; what cues they missed and what they could have done differently.

So to commit suicide a week before Christmas seems the ultimate selfish act to me. Why? It sounds almost flip to ask this, but couldn’t you have waited? Now every Christmas your family is left with the haunting memory of your death.

It does make you wonder what drives people to take such drastic steps. And I am not immune to this. I have a cousin who tragically took her own life on the birthday of her son, who she had to give up for adoption, at a time when it was not socially acceptable to keep your child as a young, single mother. I often think of Eileen and reflect how differently it could have been if she’d just lived a decade later when her life choice would have been more acceptable.

But what a waste. And how hurtful for the surviving family.

None of us knows what happens behind closed doors or closed minds. It speaks to the power of depression and mental health challenges which are insidious but eat away at a person’s ability to logically combat and fight against all the negative feelings that they hold close inside. It tells you how for some the force of negativity and feelings of hopelessness are too strong and outweigh the ability to see options beyond the current situation.

So I find the sudden and tragic death of a young man we knew, who has a young family, just beyond my comprehension. I just keep thinking why? What could have been so bad that it warranted such drastic action? Why? And why now?

My heart goes out to the widow and her two young daughters. I hope they find the strength and peace to accept what has happened.

TIS THE SEASON..

Just one more sleep. Are you excited? I have to confess the Christmas season brings out the kid in me. I love getting the perfect gift for everyone on my list.

I’m ready and as I look out my window at the farm, with snow deep on the ground, the festive scene is set.

My children and their respective partners will be arriving Christmas morning and then the fun begins. Like many families we have our traditions. First it is the stockings, when I like to sit back and watch everyone and their delight (I hope) at what Santa has brought them.

Then rather than have a free for all, one person opens a gift, and then someone else, and so on until all the parcels under the tree are opened and admired. My eco-conscious daughter will then gather up and carefully fold the wrapping and tissue paper so we can use it again.

Each year we receive a cookie jar, complete with cookies, from someone in my husband’s office. So we have fun speculating what the container will be and who will get to take it home. We have quite the collection let me tell you. I had no idea you could get so many different types of cookie jars!

Christmas is a time of family. It’s a time to remember Christmases past and give thanks to those who are no longer with us, because they have shaped our lives and while they be may gone, their love stays with us.


Have a good one.

PRESENCE OR PRESENTS… WHICH ARE YOU GIVING?

Are you ready? Just nine days to go. I am quite proud of myself this year – I have stuck to my commitment not to overdo it. It’s a promise I make to myself every year but this is probably the first time that I have managed not to get carried away with the gift giving. We all have way too much stuff and I didn’t want to add to it. Instead, with some friends for example, we are donating to the charity of our choice.

We’re also hosting a couple of big parties over the holiday season, and again, I am feeling pretty laid back about it all. With one party, I didn’t even ask for people to let me know if they were coming or not. It was actually an oversight on my part, but you know what, it doesn’t matter because the people who show up are the ones who are meant to be there and I will have enough food, I am sure. And if I don’t, well it’s the people I want to see, not how much they can consume in two hours.

Now this really is a new attitude for me. In the past, I would have been double-checking with people to see if they were coming, perusing my cookbooks to plan the menus and cooking for weeks in advance. Not this year. I plan to actually enjoy the parties, rather than being stuck in the kitchen, cooking up a storm.

Why the difference? After a couple of stressful months waiting for test results to learn that it’s nothing too serious, I’ve realized – again – what’s important in life – and it’s presence, not presents.

So my gift to myself is to lighten up, enjoy the moment and treasure those I love.