A legacy of love

As I listened to Debbie’s daughters describe what she was like, I started to wonder exactly what my daughters and friends would say about me after I died?

It’s an interesting thought isn’t it.  We all want our lives to have meaning, to bring meaning into the lives of others and to leave a legacy that will carry on long after we have gone.

Debbie, who was fondly known as “The Boss.” had played such an important role in planning her memorial service - picking the verses from the bible, the music to be played - that you felt she was in the room, watching over us.

I was listening to a podcast on CBC this week about a man who decided to have a living wake.  He was terminally ill and had chosen to have an assisted suicide, so he knew when he was going to die.  However, rather than the funeral after he was gone, he wanted to host this last party and be there for it.

It was touching listening to the tributes, and I found myself laughing when one friend lamented that the host kept pissing him off, to which he replied it was one of his great talents.  The friend then went on to explain that first he’d retired two years earlier than him, and now he was checking out earlier too.  It was all said with great love and respect.

All of which leads me to thinking that we need to say more to the people we love now while they are alive and able to hear us, and not wait for the eulogy to emotionally share with others about how we felt about the person who has just died.

When I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time,  I announced my news at a Company of Women meeting.   I did so because I wanted the women to go for the mammogram and not put it off, and also because as I said at the time, it was not convenient to “check out” right then, as I was busy and had too much to do.  I was touched by the outpouring of love I received.    

But that’s my point.  We shouldn’t have to wait until someone is dying or gets a cancer diagnosis to share how we feel about that person.  How much happier we would all be if we spoke up now, not when it’s too late for your loved one to hear, about how we feel about them.  

Granted we all show our love differently, as I learned when I read the Five Languages of Love.  For some it’s being of service, kind gestures or thoughtful gifts, for others it is more physical, but I can’t help but think that using our words, actually saying out loud how we feel means that the message is received and understood.

Love.  It is one four-lettered word that is under-used.  Time to change that.

Go for the gusto

Last week I attended the funeral of my friend’s father who was 96.  Yes, he’d had a good innings and he’d truly made the most of them.

While he had to retire at 65, he chose to keep working, taking contracts and so forth until he was 80.  He lived independently until he was 93, and only then, when his health was failing, did he move into a retirement complex.

He was one feisty old boy.  I first met Lloyd when he was around 80.  Always game to try something new, he insisted on coming along with his daughter and her husband to our annual Burns Party, so he could sample some haggis first hand.  He became a regular after that, and even though he was at least 30 years older than the rest of our guests, everyone loved to see him there.  He was interested, and interesting. 

Always up for a new adventure, in his later years, he bought a large boat which required a lot of work, and for which he had to get his mariner’s license… needless to say … he did. But you know what, he couldn’t swim, but he didn’t let that small fact get in the way.

I share his story because I wish we could all take a dose of Lloyd’s energy and enthusiasm for life.   When we live life with gusto, not much gets you down.  Oh sure there will be some mistakes and mishaps along the way, but when we act as if tomorrow may never come, we live our lives to the fullest.

And even with the kinks on the journey, when you have the right attitude, you can overcome and jump  over these hurdles.  It makes me think of a tree we have growing on our property.  For some reason it is all twisted and curled up, which you think would kill it, but no, the leaves are still there, it is still growing.  That’s what we need to do.

Acknowledge the curveballs, perhaps make some adjustments, but carry on.  Don't give up.

That Final Event

I have reached the age of maturity when much of my time lately has been spent going to the funerals of friends, my peers.

I know this trend will only continue as we all get older but it really doesn’t make it any easier to take. And of course it makes me face my own mortality.

I often come back with a few more notes for my funeral file on what I want and don’t want when I finally check out.  My daughters think I am joking – I do have a black sense of humour – but more and more, it makes sense to think ahead. Plus as someone who has made a career out of putting on events, of course I want a say in that final one.

1.   I don’t want any fancy coffin – rent one if you like.

2.   No, I repeat, no open casket. As the fashionista I prefer to be in control of how I look and likely someone will put on the wrong jewelry that doesn’t match with the entire ensemble.

3.   I want to select the photos now.  Years ago my daughter held a surprise birthday party for me, with a gallery of photos chosen based on the criteria, I believe, that I looked dreadful in the photo. None of that.

4.   Talking of photos, the family better start clicking now because there are no recent ones of me.           

5.   Have some stirring; lively hymns that are upbeat and everyone can burst forth into song.

6.   Have a private family service early on and a Celebration a few weeks later, when family and friends feel less raw and ready to party

7.   No dreary speeches – make people laugh, that’s always been my motto and hey I have provided enough material for you to share some funny stories about me.  In fact, with some advance notice, I could even write a few.

8.   Have a party – celebrate each other – some good food, wine and company. (Will just be sorry to miss it.)

But I plan to stick around for a while yet – I mean there’s a lot to organize.

There’s a quote from Tuesday’s with Morrie that I have always found comforting –

 “Death is the end of a life, not a relationship.”

So even when I am not here, I am.