Lessons from the trenches

Fifteen years ago I started Company of Women.  It was supposed to be a sideline to my consulting practice, something I did that was really for me, rather than a whole separate business.   

You see I found working at home isolating and I suspected that other women likely felt the same way and to be honest I just wanted to meet some like-minded women and perhaps make a few friends!  It wasn’t that altruistic at all.

Little did I know that 165 women would show up to my first event, that two years down the road, I would close the doors on my consulting practice, Community Connections, or that 15 years later, I would still be running Company of Women.  Perhaps it is as well, as if I’d known I was in for the long haul, it wouldn’t have been as much fun.

Now it hasn’t always been fun and I’ve learned and grown a lot since 2003 when we started out.  Here ‘s what I have learned.

People

1.              Surround yourself with people who believe in you.  We all need cheerleaders on our side who are there when we succeed and when we fail.

2.              Let go of the naysayers, the negative nellies or those who just want to “use” you.  They drain your energy and take you away from what you want to achieve.

3.              You won’t please everyone.  As women, we tend to be pleasers, but it is impossible to keep everyone happy. There will always be someone who complains. Don’t take it personally.

4.              Not everyone is going to like you.  This was a tough one to learn but it is a reality.   Develop a thick skin and keep believing in yourself.

5.              Take the high road. Don’t get drawn into battle when someone bad mouths you. You and your “people” know what is true.  Look at the source and let it go.

Business

6.              Be clear on who you are trying to reach.  When you can visualize your target audience, who they are, what they do and what they want, it becomes much easier to recruit and attract them to your business.

7.              Do your homework.   (Disclaimer - this was before social media)- but we once we spent thousands advertising in a publication that wasn’t read by our target audience.  

8.              Be nimble and fluid.  Don’t get locked into how you want your business to unfold and what you have to offer, as you could miss out on some great opportunities.

9.              Nothing is carved in stone.  If something isn’t working for you, change it.

Early on I learned that having membership run for a calendar year was disastrous cash flow wise. So we switched it up year two.

10.          Stay current.  Pay attention to the trends.   

11.          Change things up. Just because something worked in the past, doesn’t mean that it always will.  Be prepared to change your mind.

12.          Listen.  Ask your customers/clients what they want or need and deliver. It’s not about what you think they need.  After all, you could be wrong.

13.          Do the math.  Be sure you know how much it costs you to deliver a program, product or service.  Be ready to change the price if it is not working out for you financially.

14.          Delegate.  Build a team of people who can help you realize your dream. You don’t have to be the expert or do everything in your business.

15.          Revisit your vision.  On a regular basis, at least annually, check in on your vision for your business.  Are you on track? Are your end goals the same or do you need to change them?  Involve your team to make sure you are all on the same page.

Last but not least - You

16.          Learn to celebrate.  Too often we focus on what went wrong.  Instead,  spend time congratulating yourself on what you have achieved.

17.          Mistakes are lessons you needed to learn.  We can all too easily beat ourselves up on our mistakes.  Instead, ask yourself what you would do differently next time? And then move on.

18.          Trust your gut.  If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Pay attention.

19.          Be authentic.  When you connect with people, be who you are. Don’t try to be who you are not, play a role or be sales driven.  Be sincere.

20.          Take a break.  Don’t let your business become all-consuming. There is a life outside of work.  Take time to enjoy it.

When I started writing this blog, I was initially aiming for 15 pointers – one for each year, and I wasn’t sure I could come up with fifteen.  Guess I could.   And more.

  

Just do it

That was one of my main takeaways from the Journey 2 Success conference on Tuesday.  A great message for women entrepreneurs to hear.

So often we second-guess ourselves and want all our ducks in a row before we go further with our plans.  But there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes if we wait too long, we lose momentum and it never happens.

As I listened to our panel members -Brenda Halloran, Toni Morgan and Lindsay Rice – each of them had an ambitious goal for themselves, and steadfastly went after their dream.

In Brenda’s case it was to become mayor of Waterloo.  With limited political experience and limited funds, she threw her hat into the mayoral race.  She made us all smile when she confessed that she and her friends had limited political experience – for example –she chose to go with turquoise as her campaign colours because of a mug she liked.  Very much the outsider in the race for mayor, she’d been dismissed by her competitors, only to beat them on election day.

For Toni, she wanted to go to Harvard, which for someone who had been homeless as a teen, seemed like a pipe dream.  But don’t underestimate this young woman, who crowd-funded her way to Harvard and recently completed her masters in education. 

Lindsay chose to become a racing car driver, a lonely and different path for a young woman to pursue.  Like Toni, it took money and guts to make this dream a reality, and not only did she make it happen, she’s winning.   At 23 she explained she was late to enter this career, but she is certainly making up for lost time.

Our next speaker, Molly Burke, further emphasized the need to just follow your dream because when you do, you are living your life to the fullest.  With wisdom beyond her years, Molly shared how being blind was not holding her back – she travels, rides, surfs and rock climbs – which some of us wouldn’t dare to do and we have our sight. This gutsy young woman showed us that we need to get out of our own way and just go for it.

All four women are role models.  They are trailblazers, leading the way so the rest of us can pave our own journey to success.    

Take time to celebrate

With our 10^th birthday coming up at Company of Women  my focus of late has been on parties and celebrations!

It therefore seemed appropriate to me that we talk about celebrations at our recent breakfast meeting. So as a way to get the meeting off to a positive start,  I had the women each share something they had to celebrate as they introduced themselves.

It was fascinating. 

The celebrations ranged from personal successes like surviving heart surgery, a new grandchild or getting married, to those of a more business nature – like finishing school, finding direction and physically opening a business after four years of persistently trying to make it happen. 

Each success was important in the life of the person and each marked a transition, a life changing moment.

As I sat and listened, it caused me to marvel at our resilience and determination to make life work for us.  For some it is hard work, digging through the dirt and baggage from the past, and yet they do it. In fact, not only do they do it, but they do it well, arising from the ashes as someone with wisdom to share to help others.

I applaud the courage and fortitude it takes to poke around at stuff we would rather keep a lid on, yet intuitively we know that we can’t move forward until the can is open, and the contents dissected.

How often do we reflect on what we have in our lives to celebrate?  Not enough.  This conversation got our meeting off to such a deeper, more meaningful start and we left seeing each other from a different perspective.  In fact, we’ve decided as a group to continue the dialogue.

I remember one year at our conference we had a discussion about celebrations, and the facilitator chuckled as she shared with me that one young woman, a lawyer from Bay Street, looked absolutely puzzled and horrified at the thought of celebrations in the office.  It was a completely foreign concept for her. How sad.

Life can pass us by so quickly and if we don’t take the moment to “count our blessings” to say thank you, to share our successes with one another, we’ve lost that opportunity to be grateful for what we have, who we are or how far we have come.   All too often we focus on the negative, and as they say, like attracts like, so you really don’t want to go there.

Let me ask you, what do you have to celebrate?  Tell someone.  You might be surprised at how that changes the conversation.

Speaking Out Loud

While I am getting much more comfortable with public speaking, my interview at the Toronto Women’s Bookstore made me more nervous.  Mostly because I didn’t know the questions and therefore couldn’t rehearse my answers.  I’ve never been someone who felt confident speaking off the top of my head.  And then there was the reading out loud – I had to read two or three sections from my book. 

First, which ones do I choose?  And second, and probably more important, I suck at reading out loud. I always went to great lengths to avoid this at school, where there was the expectation that the students in leadership roles (I was one)  would frequently read to the whole assembly.

Well you know what… it was OK.  Actually it was more than OK, it was pretty good.  What I had forgotten is that when you know your topic (which was me and my book), you know the answers.  On reflection there were a couple of things I probably shouldn’t have said – being critical of a well-known entrepreneur – but hey, take a number,  there are many who take pot shots at him.

My thanks to friends who came in to be supportive, especially those who drove in from Oakville.  It was lovely to see some familiar faces and it made the whole event seem like a friendly conversation between friends. Annemarie Shrouder was a charming host who made you feel comfortable and at ease and she seemed to have genuinely liked my book, which helps.

So my advice to those of you facing a demon or taking a risk – just do it.  It is usually worse in your head than in reality.

Be Real, Get a Life

For the past twenty-one years I have lived with cancer.  And I have done so privately. I haven’t been secretive about being a “cancer survivor” but I have chosen not to let cancer define who I am.  It is something that happened to me, but it is not me.  Yes, it has shaped who I have become and what I have chosen to do, but it is not me.

But recently I have decided to speak up more – not because I want sympathy or a pity party, but more because I recognize I have a message to convey.

I see too many people who do not realize or appreciate that we have one life to live and it could change on a dime.

I see too many people who do not realize their full potential out of fear, not stepping forward to shine.

I see too many people who sweat over the small stuff when it truly doesn’t matter in the scheme of things.  Get rid of the negativity in your life, you don’t need or deserve it.

That’s why I wrote my book.  And my message is – live life now. Surround yourself with people who believe, love and support you.  Do what you are meant to do…now and take that risk, swallow your fear and become who you are supposed to be.

Time Strapped? Revisit How You Spend Your Time

Like many women there are times when I feel time-strapped to fit everything in.  So I was interested to read an article on how to get an extra hour out of my day.   

There are several culprits that eat away at our time – too many face-to-face meetings when a decision could just be made without the meeting. For the perfectionist, procrastination was another time guzzler, as the strive to make something perfect stopped us starting in the first place. The article also touched on our inability to value and use free time without feeling guilty.  When you own a business, the day is never done and if you work from home, it is even harder to close that door and leave the work behind.  

Certainly in terms of meetings, I get a lot of requests for face-to-face meetings and much as I love to meet with people, I am finding it harder to do and have become stricter about with whom I meet.

One screening tool I have introduced of late is asking people to send me information in writing, so I can determine if it is worth our time getting together or whether we can just talk over the phone. I often then hear nothing and the request fades away.  That’s when I know it is not a win-win situation, but someone trying to sell me something or hook me into something I don’t want to do.

Another point that the article raises is that it is not just the meeting that eats into your schedule, but the time prior to the meeting when you don’t start anything important because you know you will have to leave it unfinished. And then there’s the time afterwards when you have to change gears and switch back to the work on hand. 

I remember years ago being on several committees with one woman who started to evaluate the use of her time.  We nicknamed her “The Terminator” as she would ask questions at the meeting like – Why are we meeting? Do we still need this committee?

And she was right.  Often we get locked into meeting or serving on a committee, because we’ve always done it, not because there is a need.  When the purpose of the meeting/committee has been achieved, maybe it is time to say “Congratulations, we’ve achieved what we set out to do.” and end it there. 

What’s the answer?  The article suggests we take an audit of our time and how we use it. By examining it more closely, we likely will find areas that we can change and curtail and more importantly, they say, reframe how we look at quality time and the value of taking a break.  

Always the bridesmaid?

My head is alive with the Sound of Music, which I went to see with a friend this week. It was my Christmas present to her, but of course I got to come too.

Now Sound of Music was a big favourite in our family – from my grandparents who lived with us, to my parents. We all loved Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer in their roles, and I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I know all the words to the songs (just as well it wasn’t a sing-a-long version.)

At first I was disappointed that we didn’t have the winning Maria perform that night. We had her runner-up in the contest. She was terrific. But then it struck me that coming in second, doesn’t mean you are not any good.

And from a business perspective, just because you don’t land the big order or you don’t get the job, or you get laid off, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t good at what you do either.

I know there have been times when I have been disappointed when something hasn’t come to fruition as I planned, but without fail, something better has been around the corner. What’s the saying, as one door closes, another opens.

So stay the course, believe in yourself, because just like the Maria runner-up, you’ll get your moment in the sun.

Finding Herself

I grew up in the UK, where my grandmother was a big fan of the Royal Family. She had a wonderful collection of hats, and she was in her glory when people would comment on how like the Queen Mother she was. So this week when I had the opportunity to hear the Duchess of York, I thought of my grandmother and her fascination with the Royal Family.

Fergie shared that her early childhood was happy, but that all changed when her mother left. She was 13 at the time and always thought her naughty antics were the cause of the marriage break-up. She believed that if she’d been a good girl, the split would never have happened. So for years, she tried to be perfect, she tried to please and as a result, lost the essence of who she was in her search for approval.

As she talked about her marriage to Andrew and the love they still shared with each other and for their daughters, it struck me as sad that their marriage didn’t work out. But he was at sea, and she saw him for 40 days/year for the first five years. It must have been pretty hard to maintain a strong, intimate relationship and as she said, at 24, they did not have the maturity or courage to take a stand for what they wanted.

As she talked about her journey to find herself, you got the sense that some of the negative media still hurts but she has found her purpose through the different charities she has started to support children around the world. This is her passion and she feels she is putting her celebrity status to good use.

Her talk was honest and real. The organizers kept saying she had to leave because of another engagement, but she stayed on, telling one story after another. It almost seemed as if she didn’t want to leave, maybe because she knew that the women in the audience understood her struggles and she felt validated.

Whatever the reason, she made an impact and I just wish my grandmother had been there to enjoy the moment.

Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it is true...

What sign of the zodiac are you? I am a Pisces and we are noted for being creative and sensitive. For example, I have a tendency, especially when I am tired, to take stuff personally and over-react when my feelings get hurt. So I was particularly interested to read this article on how to reset your emotional gauge.

Now it isn’t all negative. The good news is that sensitivity is essential for empathy, which allows us to tap into where people are coming from and gives us insights others won’t have.

But here’s some practical tips on how to develop your emotional resilience.

1. Focus on resilience

Don’t dwell on your over-sensitivity as this tends to reinforce it. Instead focus on building your resilience. Celebrate when you don’t over-react.

2. Reality check

“Just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it is true.” Reflect on this when your emotions start to spiral out of control to help put things in perspective.

3. Know the triggers

Know your ‘soft spots’. This will help you identify when you are over-reacting. Where in your life do you feel most insecure? Gradually you will be able to see patterns, and be better able to head-off problems.

4. Take a break

Go for a walk, sleep on it, count to 100. If someone has hurt your feelings, just consider the possibility that their intention might not have been to wound you. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Empathy is the best way to tackle hypersensitivity.

5. Listen to what others tell you

Step out of the drama so you can hear what’s being said. Ask and listen to what others tell you.

Apparently 15-20 per cent of the population fall under a distinct personality type known as the highly sensitive person (HSP). Take the test at www.hsperson.com and find out more.