Say yes to yourself

“I’m just a gal who can’t say no… “  

That’s me.

I get a lot of requests to do stuff.  And in the past, I used to say “yes”.  I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and ever the pleaser, it felt good to agree.

But you know what, there were times when I should have said “no.”   There were times when I just didn’t have the time on my schedule to take on something extra, and there were times when I wasn’t the right fit or I wasn’t that interested… and yet, my response was the same – “sure yes.”

Why do we do this to ourselves? Part of it is ego, I am sure, in that we’re flattered to be asked, but it is also because we don’t want to disappoint anyone and we want people to like us.

None are good enough reasons, especially if we stretch ourselves too thin and we end up too close to the edge.  When we were interviewing women for our Good Enough book, Amy and I found they talked a lot about being pleasers, about wanting to keep everyone happy but they weren’t saying this with pride, more out of resentment, because they felt depleted by all the demands placed on them.

One way to avoid over-committing yourself is to pause.  When someone asks you to take on something else, to do a favour or give a presentation, tell the person that you’ll get back to them.  Give yourself some time to think it through so you don’t leap in with the automatic “of course, yes I will.”

Then if, on reflection you really don’t want to do it, you can get back to the person and say that you’ve checked your schedule, and right now, it is just not feasible. You don’t have to go into lengthy reasons.  Keep it simple.  But say “no.”

When we say “yes” to something we don’t want to do, we are denying ourselves the opportunity and time to say “yes” to an activity we really want to do.  Try not to box yourself in.  Keep yourself open to the opportunities that make you excited.

While you may not want to disappoint anyone, you also don’t want to disappoint the most important person in your life – YOU.

Birthing a book

Last week Amy and I sent draft copies of our book Good Enough off to be reviewed by some friends and colleagues.

This is truly nerve wracking - it's like sending your first born off to kindergarten for the first time and spending your day worrying whether the other children will  like her?  Will the book be liked by our readers?  Will they love the stories and find the strategies we suggest for overcoming self doubt useful? 

Just as we can get defensive about our children, we are bracing ourselves for the feedback, telling ourselves not to get defensive, to listen and make the changes suggested.

This book has been three years in the making.  We've connected with over 350 women, so we're not making up the sense of overwhelm and fear of failure that many women feel.  Oh some of us camouflage it well - we wear a mask, pretending all is well with the world, while deep inside we worry that someone will find us out for the imposter we think we are.

It is also not just one generation - it manifests itself in young and older alike and across cultural and social differences. It's universal. 

We thank the women who so openly and generously shared their stories - which were sometimes painful to hear yet, we hope in the telling that the women can take pride in their courage and honesty in speaking up.

In a couple of months the book will be birthed, ready for the world to see and read. 

 In the meantime, we are experiencing the usual labour pains, coupled with the pangs of anxiety typical of all new parents.