A legacy of love

As I listened to Debbie’s daughters describe what she was like, I started to wonder exactly what my daughters and friends would say about me after I died?

It’s an interesting thought isn’t it.  We all want our lives to have meaning, to bring meaning into the lives of others and to leave a legacy that will carry on long after we have gone.

Debbie, who was fondly known as “The Boss.” had played such an important role in planning her memorial service - picking the verses from the bible, the music to be played - that you felt she was in the room, watching over us.

I was listening to a podcast on CBC this week about a man who decided to have a living wake.  He was terminally ill and had chosen to have an assisted suicide, so he knew when he was going to die.  However, rather than the funeral after he was gone, he wanted to host this last party and be there for it.

It was touching listening to the tributes, and I found myself laughing when one friend lamented that the host kept pissing him off, to which he replied it was one of his great talents.  The friend then went on to explain that first he’d retired two years earlier than him, and now he was checking out earlier too.  It was all said with great love and respect.

All of which leads me to thinking that we need to say more to the people we love now while they are alive and able to hear us, and not wait for the eulogy to emotionally share with others about how we felt about the person who has just died.

When I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time,  I announced my news at a Company of Women meeting.   I did so because I wanted the women to go for the mammogram and not put it off, and also because as I said at the time, it was not convenient to “check out” right then, as I was busy and had too much to do.  I was touched by the outpouring of love I received.    

But that’s my point.  We shouldn’t have to wait until someone is dying or gets a cancer diagnosis to share how we feel about that person.  How much happier we would all be if we spoke up now, not when it’s too late for your loved one to hear, about how we feel about them.  

Granted we all show our love differently, as I learned when I read the Five Languages of Love.  For some it’s being of service, kind gestures or thoughtful gifts, for others it is more physical, but I can’t help but think that using our words, actually saying out loud how we feel means that the message is received and understood.

Love.  It is one four-lettered word that is under-used.  Time to change that.

Shedding some light in the darkness of death

None of us really knows what is around the corner.  Guess that’s why it’s best to take each day as it comes, to live life in the moment.

I am reflecting on this because this week has been darkened by news of death.  First the death of a friend’s mother who had cancer, then the 

death of a husband in his prime who took his own life and updates on a husband who knows 

he is dying and is making the most of the time he has left.

Suicide always leaves you with so many questions. Why?  What did we miss?  How could we have changed this outcome?  It is so hard for the family and friends.  It’s an emotional roller coaster – from being distraught and sad to feeling betrayed and angry.

And it is not something to be dismissed or swept under the carpet.

In fact that may be part of the problem.  While mental health issues are getting more recognition as something we have to pay attention to and not hide away from in shame; we still have a long way to go.

I had a cousin who committed suicide.  She’d had a son when she was 17, and as was common at the time, was forced to give him up for adoption.  Three years later, on his birthday, she took an overdose of sleeping pills and died.  Now this was over 50 years ago, and today, many children are born out of “wedlock” and raised by single mothers, but back then, there was a real stigma.

I remember once saying that I thought that suicide was such a selfish act, and I was quickly and correctly admonished by a friend who angrily told me that depression was an illness. It was a disease, one that the person wanted to escape from to end the pain,  with suicide seeming like the only option, the only way out.  

I’ve never forgotten her explanation. It has stuck with me. It changed my perspective.

The three women in these situations are part of the Company of Women community. This is when we need to rally round and be supportive.  We need to show we care, because in that caring, the family feels less alone and there is a glimmer of light, in a world of darkness.

Pause for thought

Stop the bus.  I want to get off.  It’s only the second week in September and already I am feeling overwhelmed.

My inbox has over 500 emails waiting to be answered. I am now receiving the second email from folks, because I haven’t replied yet to their first one.

We’ve got 15 events this month – what was I thinking???  It’s not that I have to attend them all, I don’t.  It’s all the marketing we have to do.  It 

seems to get more and more difficult to get people to register early.  We now live in a last-minute society, which for an event organizer is stressful to say the least.

In an attempt to get a life, I’ve also upped our social gatherings with friends, which is fun, but sometimes feels like one more thing to fit into the already packed schedule.

And true confessions here.  I have three weeks of clean (at least it’s clean) laundry sitting waiting to be put into its proper home.

My conclusion – I need a wife.  Don’t you?

Throw into this equation my volunteer work which is also deadline-driven, renovations at the farm and you can see why perhaps I am about to topple over.

Now before you start sending me emails – remember my inbox is full – telling me to delegate more – I am, but that takes time too.

But then I get word that my cousin’s son has died suddenly of a heart attack at 47, and I get a grip on myself.   I can’t even begin to imagine her pain and her news sure puts my day-to-day gripes into perspective.

Sometimes when we are lost in our own mess, we forget that there are people, like the refugees, who are facing horrendous struggles and I remind myself that I just need to get over myself, suck it up and get on with it.

Time to take a pause and reflect on how fortunate I am – to have these opportunities, to live where I live and while somewhat frazzled right now, to have my health.

Farewell my friend...

Much has been written over the past few days about the sudden death of Donna Messer. On April 3^rd, Canada lost a woman who was known across the country as the “Queen of Networking”  and there has been an outpouring of love as people share their stories of how she helped them. 

I only wish Donna could have witnessed how much of an impact she’d had on people’s lives.

I first met Donna over twenty years ago.  She had been speaking at a board of trade event, sharing her story of how she started Orange Crate, a company she successfully ran for ten years and I went to introduce myself after her talk.  We stayed connected, as you do with Donna, and over the years, our paths would frequently cross.

But it was when I was working for government, that I first saw the power of Donna’s networking in action.  At the time I was running a program called Words on Work, where successful women would come into the classroom to share their career paths with female high school students.  Naturally Donna was quick to sign up and when we were at a conference in Stratford, where she was speaking, she “planted” her introduction of me to the audience, helping me recruit more women to my program.

That’s what Donna did.  If she believed in you and what you were doing, she’d go out of her way to make sure you met who you needed to meet.  She was like a walking rolodex with all the people she knew, always making the introductions to help you get ahead.

One of the best connections she made for me was when she introduced me to Jean Price, one of her closest friends, who fast became one of mine.   It is those friendships in life that we hold dear, because no matter how far away you may live, you just know the other person will be there for you.

And Donna was there for so many people – she was always supporting the underdog whether it was the immigrant doctor who was driving a taxi or the new entrepreneur shakily starting her business.

She was outspoken and quick to put you right if, in her opinion, you did something wrong.  I remember being told off when I forgot to bring my business cards to an event she was hosting, you can imagine her horror.J

The last time I saw Donna was on International Women’s Day on March 8 when she was receiving an award.  How fitting.  I am so pleased that she was being honoured for all that she had done to help women get ahead in life. 

Just ten days later, she was given the devastating news of her cancer, news she wanted to keep private and so we respected her wishes.  Today I know people are reeling in shock. Even those of us who knew her dire prognosis, never believed she would be taken from us so soon.

For the past eight years, Donna has been a permanent fixture at my conference.  Always a popular speaker, she attracted many of her fans to come hear her speak.  She was scheduled to speak this year, so it will be strange for her not to be with us on May 26, but I know she will be there in spirit, encouraging us to reach out and support one another.

Why?

Christmas is a hard time for many people, especially for those who have just lost a family member or friend. 

To commit suicide always seems such a desperate and selfish act to me, as family members are left to pick up the pieces, always questioning what they could have done to avert this tragic action; what cues they missed and what they could have done differently.

So to commit suicide a week before Christmas seems the ultimate selfish act to me. Why? It sounds almost flip to ask this, but couldn’t you have waited? Now every Christmas your family is left with the haunting memory of your death.

It does make you wonder what drives people to take such drastic steps. And I am not immune to this. I have a cousin who tragically took her own life on the birthday of her son, who she had to give up for adoption, at a time when it was not socially acceptable to keep your child as a young, single mother. I often think of Eileen and reflect how differently it could have been if she’d just lived a decade later when her life choice would have been more acceptable.

But what a waste. And how hurtful for the surviving family.

None of us knows what happens behind closed doors or closed minds. It speaks to the power of depression and mental health challenges which are insidious but eat away at a person’s ability to logically combat and fight against all the negative feelings that they hold close inside. It tells you how for some the force of negativity and feelings of hopelessness are too strong and outweigh the ability to see options beyond the current situation.

So I find the sudden and tragic death of a young man we knew, who has a young family, just beyond my comprehension. I just keep thinking why? What could have been so bad that it warranted such drastic action? Why? And why now?

My heart goes out to the widow and her two young daughters. I hope they find the strength and peace to accept what has happened.

That Final Event

I have reached the age of maturity when much of my time lately has been spent going to the funerals of friends, my peers.

I know this trend will only continue as we all get older but it really doesn’t make it any easier to take. And of course it makes me face my own mortality.

I often come back with a few more notes for my funeral file on what I want and don’t want when I finally check out.  My daughters think I am joking – I do have a black sense of humour – but more and more, it makes sense to think ahead. Plus as someone who has made a career out of putting on events, of course I want a say in that final one.

1.   I don’t want any fancy coffin – rent one if you like.

2.   No, I repeat, no open casket. As the fashionista I prefer to be in control of how I look and likely someone will put on the wrong jewelry that doesn’t match with the entire ensemble.

3.   I want to select the photos now.  Years ago my daughter held a surprise birthday party for me, with a gallery of photos chosen based on the criteria, I believe, that I looked dreadful in the photo. None of that.

4.   Talking of photos, the family better start clicking now because there are no recent ones of me.           

5.   Have some stirring; lively hymns that are upbeat and everyone can burst forth into song.

6.   Have a private family service early on and a Celebration a few weeks later, when family and friends feel less raw and ready to party

7.   No dreary speeches – make people laugh, that’s always been my motto and hey I have provided enough material for you to share some funny stories about me.  In fact, with some advance notice, I could even write a few.

8.   Have a party – celebrate each other – some good food, wine and company. (Will just be sorry to miss it.)

But I plan to stick around for a while yet – I mean there’s a lot to organize.

There’s a quote from Tuesday’s with Morrie that I have always found comforting –

 “Death is the end of a life, not a relationship.”

So even when I am not here, I am.